My Secret Shame: My Mom is Obsessed with High School Musical and buys mini bottles of Pinot Grigio

How are my kids supposed to learn about the dangers of hitchhiking and the specifics of STDs without Afterschool specials to teach them? You are a true child of the 70’s and 80’s if you remember the specials that would air once a month on ABC.  They almost always starred Melissa Sue Anderson (Mary from Little House on the Prairie) and they always gave an informational and educational explanation on taboo topics that I wouldn't dream of talking to my parents about. I lament the loss of those little gems. The Disney channel or Nick wouldn't dare air movies that explained such hot button topics. Can you imagine the outrage if Zach or Cody knocked somebody up? Or if Alex Russo had an itch that just wouldn't go away?  Disney wouldn't even air the episode when Oliver from Hannah Montana was diagnosed with diabetes. I went to my trusty IMDB and found a list of every episode ever filmed. Here are some of my personal faves:

My Dad lives in a downtown hotel

Me and Dad’s new Wife

Mom and Dad can’t hear me

A Home Run for Love

School boy Father

Bonnie Raitt has Something to Talk About—This one both intrigued and repelled me. If you are a teenager do you really want to see Whoppi Goldberg talk to Bonnie Raitt about being a middle aged musician and song writer?  I can’t imagine this being a hit with the teens. (Editor note: I had a day to think about this and I realized I was the nerdy teenager that would have watched that show because I liked the song “Nick of Time.” I was listening to the “Yentl” soundtrack when my classmates in school were jamming out to the “Flashdance” soundtrack.)

Daddy, I am their mother now

I am going to be honest I have been creating 2012 Afterschool special ideas all day in my head and cracking myself up. I am to afraid to post them lest I offend my 28 followers so send me a message me if you want my titles. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Their kind of salty….

Lastly, I saw the “One More Night Video” at the gym again for the 1,312 time and I realized that the guys at the boxing match are Adam Levine band mates. I had that epiphany and then started looking at Adam boxing again.

Brushes with Greatness….

I am not going to lie. I am a superficial celebrity watcher and obsessed with celebrities. If you were looking for a spiritual or meaningful blog you might want to look elsewhere.

 

I recently saw Morgan Fairchild on a t.v. show and I had a flashback to when I worked at the Cincinnati Zoo. She came to the zoo on a promotional tour for Purina Cat Food. I was an intern and had the job of helping to shepherd around the Zoo in a golf cart.  This was in the early 90’s and Morgan was not as relevant as she was in the 80’s.  The first thing she said to me after she got on the cart was that, “you needed to keep the children away from me.”  I wasn’t sure if this was a court ordered thing or if she didn’t like the wee ones it ultimately didn’t matter because no one knew who she was.  She was okay and traveled with her Italian “hairstylist” who said such crazy things like, “The stress doesn’t show on your hair.” Not kidding at all. It was fascinating to watch her face because even at that time you could bounce a quarter off of it.  From the looks of it the other night she has had even more work done if that is humanly possible. When we drove her back to her limo we kept hitting the bumps and she would squeal. She was talking non-stop about her QVC line.

I also had the privilege of standing next to Joey Buttafuco at a Concierge Desk in Orange County. He came in wearing snake skinned boots. I recognized that smug face anywhere and when he stood next to me I kept coughing in my hand “pervert.” I had to physically stop myself from saying to him in my Amy Fisher Long Island voice, “Joey when you coming overrr!!!” I also wanted to desperately ask him if he liked the Drew Barrymore t.v. movie with one of the Baldwin brothers that isn’t Alec playing him.

At Fox, I had the opportunity to meet several legit celebrities. Randy Jackson called me Dawg and let me grill him about the girl (name escapes me) who got voted off the night before. He looks so tiny in real life. Davy Jones wished me a happy 40^th birthday but wouldn’t say “Flip side” to me when I asked him too. His 22 year old wife kept staring me fearful that I would take away her cash cow. Candace Cameron was very unfriendly and didn’t like it at all when I kept calling her DJ Tanner and her publicist asked me not to call her that.  I met her at a time when we watched an hour of “Full House” a day on DVR.  I took it personally and told her that there were a lot of worse things to be known for.  I am pretty sure her security team has my picture as a person of danger. I banned “Full House” from our home that day and just for good measure put a squash on any recordings of “Growing Pains” because her brother starred in it.

The best brush came when Natasha Bedingfield came to FOX one morning. I had her album and loved the song “Unwritten” so much that I had it as my ringtone.  When she came in, my Dad called me on his phone so she could hear the song. She grabbed my hands and danced with me. She was a good sport and even let me ramble on for about 20 minutes about how “Unwritten” inspired me to lose weight and look at life in a different way. I vaguely remember getting teary and her comforting me. She got me two tickets to her show that night at Bogart’s and asked her manager “if he had tickets for her new friend.”  She then had me program the song “Unwritten” into her assistant’s phone so she could have it as her ringtone. It was an awesome experience.  I am not sure if this next one qualifies as a brush but celebrity stylist to the star “Ricci DeMartino” came to Fox to do a Mommy makeover segment. They needed a Mom to make over and of course my face came to mind. Ricci at the time was doing Patricia Heaton’s clothes for some sitcom she was on FOX.  I was so pumped to do it until I saw the clothes. They dressed me in Dockers (they were sponsoring DeMartino’s tour) that were basically hideous.  But sweet Ricci put me in Patrica’s Heaton’s personal TOD boots. Apparently we wear the same size.  It was magical to be Debra Barone for one brief minute. He asked me not to tell anyone that I did that. Since that was back in 2007, I am going to assume that the statue of limitations has passed.

Thanks for reading and if you have time make a comment. It is freaking me out that only my Atlanta possee has commented. It makes me think that only people outside the tri-state area can comment.

 

 

Moxie Crimefighter vs. Penn Jillette

Na Na Na what's my name?

I have uncovered another form of Celebrity Privilege. It came to light today when I read that Drew Barrymore had a baby girl. She named her Olive. It’s like she couldn't just use the name Olivia.  I don’t know anyone named Olive except for Olive Oyl.  I then had what Oprah calls an “aha” moment! I realized that celebrities don’t have to use baby books like we do. They can make up their own damn names. The outlandish the better.  Reece Witherspoon named her son Tennessee. Like after the state.  I wondered if she thought if I have a son, I am going to name him after the state of Tennessee that is so beautifully immortalized in the eloquent song “Rocky Top.” I fear for him when he is on the playground in a few years. Wait a minute, let me change that. I fear for him when he goes to his first preschool Pilate’s class. Kids can be so cruel. I also fear for the following children:

Apple—I think Gwynie named her after the only thing she eats that isn't macrobiotic. Don't forget she is smarter than the rest of us. Just ask her. She will tell you.

Pilot Inspektor – This is the moniker that Jason Lee (My Name is Earl) gave his son. Can you imagine being saddled with that name? It’s like they were mad at him from birth and wanted him to know it for his entire life.  He might as well just get a job at the airlines because everyone is already going to think that he is an aviation inspector.

Bronx Mowgli Wentz- It is bad enough that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz from "Fall Out Boy" were allowed to reproduce but to name their son after a Disney cartoon is a recipe for a disaster. Hasn't the child suffered enough having Jessica Simpson as an Aunt. I hope that he is strong because he is going to need it for a multitude of reasons.

The worst celebrity child’s name ever though is Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette.  Yes, you read that right. I never understood what made Penn and Teller funny and I sure as hell don’t know why he saddled his child with that name.  When she is old enough, I hope that she can call child services and report that form of child abuse or better yet go to the courthouse to change her name to Ann Jones. Who looks at a beautiful baby girl and thinks I am going to name her Moxie CrimeFighter so she can be ridiculed her whole entire life. If that isn't abuse I don’t know what is.

http://cupcakestakethecake.blogspot.com/2009/06/moxie-crimefighter-jillette-gets-96.html

This story doesn't have anything to do with outlandish celebrity names but when I was in the hospital having Vivian the nurse asked me if I named her after Julia Robert’s character in “Pretty Woman.” I couldn't believe that she would think that I would name her after a Sunset Strip hooker. She only cleared $3,000 from Richard Gere (As I type that I realized with the new wardrobe she probably cleared $10,000 when all was said and done.) I digress. I would at least name her after a high class hooker. I’m fancy like that. By the way, it was my Grandma’s name.

Lastly, when I was at Fox19, I met George Clooney’s parents. I proudly ran to my phone to show Nick a picture of my “George.” He indulged my craziness and commented on his cuteness. I then felt the need to tell him that my George wasn't named after his George but after my father and brother. I could seriously see him in his mind dial George to put me on his restraining order list.